Respect: Active Appreciation for Others’ Values

The Moment Respect Clicked

I used the word “respect” often, until I tried to explain it to my daughter and realized I couldn’t define it or list its elements. For most ideas, I have a one-liner, a plain-language definition, and a simple breakdown. Here, I came up empty.

The moment it clicked arrived during her Shichi-Go-San ceremony. As a tall Canadian bowing and clapping on cue in a shrine, I felt a shared respect in the room. It could have been my own pride in getting things roughly right, but I believe people there appreciated that I was appreciating Japanese culture. That feeling reframed the word for me: respect wasn’t just the avoidance of offense; it was something active, visible, and mutual.

From Value to Respect

This insight landed with an earlier line of thinking fresh in mind. I had been writing about value in work and life—see Why Be Honorable: The Best Way to Be Valuable—and how value shows up as what someone cares about. The ceremony turned that idea toward relationships. If value is what a person cares about, then respect is when someone actively shows appreciation for another’s values. Learning those values and performing customs can be a clear display of appreciation, hence respect.

Seeing it this way separated respect from agreement or fear. I didn’t have to adopt anyone’s beliefs or erase my own. I only had to recognize what mattered to others and let my conduct reflect that recognition.

A Working Definition

One-liner: “Respect is actively showing appreciation for another person’s values.”

Plain-language elaboration: “Respect is what happens when you show—through your actions—that you see what someone cares about and you choose to honor it. It starts by paying attention, continues by making that understanding visible in ways that matter to them, and leaves room for differences without erasing yourself.”

What I Noticed Inside Respect

• Start by observing. Respect begins by observing and seeking to understand others’ values—especially when they differ from your own.
• Values show up in culture, bodies, and status or ego. Non-consensual touch or harm is disrespect. Failing to recognize, or actively demeaning, someone’s status or “face” is also disrespect.
• Humility matters. Often, you are the foreigner—socially, professionally, or literally. In nature, the reminder is blunt: “you are the foreigner; respect nature.”
• Self-respect is coherence. It is the alignment between the momentary “you” and the enduring “self.” When I act in self-destructive ways, that split feels like self-disrespect.